why did the elephant collapse?



























cuz the ant whispered i have a son you are the father!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

This gets funnier the farther you read!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time
for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
qualified to ensure – right from Day One! – that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this
really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or
not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle
ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What
we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking
on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You
can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to
sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird
gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we
will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never
cra…#@&&^(C%..........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

This is just one of the excerpts I would like to forward but's
too many, it won't accept, so  I'm sharing it to you guys.

Dear Lord,

I pray for a wisdom to understand a man

Love to forgive him and patience for his

mood, because Lord, if I pray for strength,

I'll just beat him to death.


Alice N Wonderland

hahaha kataw anan heheheheh

THIS WEEK'S TOP NOT-SO-GREEN JOKES

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your thingy is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 221.'

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Third Place:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his thingy
into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my thingy into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't!', she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did!, he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

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Winner :

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

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lolz... so many funny jokes here. thnx for ur sharing.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

(Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer, bisan unsaon tabian gd c LOLA......lol)

Something to figure out and start your day in good mood


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men but married
men are a lot more willing to die.


MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes as there is
no use in two people remembering the same thing.


APPEARANCE
Men wake up looking as good- as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change
and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after  that   is the beginning of
a new argument.


COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a
woman - before marriage and after marriage.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Indians had to
leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Indian community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a debate with a member of the
Indian community. If the Indian won, the Indians could stay. If the Pope
won, the Indians would leave. The Indians realized that they had no
choice.

So they picked a middle aged man named Santu to represent them. Santu
asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting,
neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Santu and the Pope sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers.

Santu looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his
fingers in a circle around his head. Santu pointed to the ground where
he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Santu pulled
out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The
Indians can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent
the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to all religions. Then I waved my finger
around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our
sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?

Meanwhile, the Indian community had crowded around Santu. "What
happened?" they asked. "Well" said Santu , "First he said to me that the
Indians had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us
was leaving.

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Indians. I

let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Santu , "He took out his lunch, and I took out
mine!"